[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Its a hippotatomus
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
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.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat