So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I don’t get marriage
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it