Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
We all have our pet causes.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.