My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay