I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
You Might Also Like
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?