They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks