All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.