People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
it was love at first sight
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel