Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.