Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.