[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
love pickles so much i put myself in one
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want