america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.