I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Can. I. Help. You.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Pringles