Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: