I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better