Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.