[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer