[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”