*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.