friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
selena gomez
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt