ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little