An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
You Might Also Like
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
What’s a Messi?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back