Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.