“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.