I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.