Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat