I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”