I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
You Might Also Like
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.