Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day