amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…