Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.