Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
You Might Also Like
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Expect the unexporcupine.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean