my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’ve had worse
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe