What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Happy Friday
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Potatoes were such a good idea
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.