coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes