My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
You Might Also Like
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.