Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?