Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
i think both sides are to blame here
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated