My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I used the label maker
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
wishing you and yours all the best
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
me and the Superbowl rn
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
what could possibly go wrong?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.