I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You Might Also Like
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.