my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.