cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
opening twitter today
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.