They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.