My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.