Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
You Might Also Like
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Bringing home a sharpie
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I will never stop laughing at this
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.