In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster