Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff