Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.