Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously