My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Proctology is located in A55
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
bout dat hot dog summer
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks